


An Ever-Fixed Mark

by LateStarter58



Series: Dr Lawson's Casebook: the Tom & Ellie stories [3]
Category: British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Emotional Turmoil, F/M, Grief, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 04:39:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17015895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LateStarter58/pseuds/LateStarter58
Summary: Life is pain and life is joy, and we need to have both to know the difference.Why couldn't Ellie answer Tom when he asked her to marry him on Ben's terrace in the first minutes of 2015? Neither of them know...yet.





	An Ever-Fixed Mark

Ellie sat in the darkened room, looking over at the window. Even at 3am there was a glow from the city below, but the lights of London no longer cheered her. She had not slept at all, and eventually decided to get up to avoid disturbing Tom. She felt terrible; she was hurting him but she didn’t know what to do about it. Just over twenty-four hours earlier he had asked her to marry him, and instead of saying ‘Yes!’ as she had thought she was going to right up until she opened her mouth to speak, she had asked him for time to think.

They had carried on, externally at least, as if nothing had happened. They had returned to the party and continued merry-making, then went home and made love, as passionately as ever. But the pain in Tom’s eyes was evident, and she felt like crying all the time. Ellie didn’t understand what was happening to her. She only knew that when she thought about accepting his proposal she felt utterly terrified.

Tom wasn’t asleep either. He had felt Ellie get up and he was aware she hadn’t had any rest since their tryst on Ben’s terrace. His greatest fear had been that she would never be able to trust him, and now it seemed that it was coming to pass. He was distraught. He wasn’t sure what he would do if she said she wanted to break up; she was his life now.

He had left his sweater on the back of the sofa where she was sitting; Ellie pulled it over her knees and hugged them. His smell filled her nostrils and tears filled her eyes. She loved him so much it was a physical pain: why couldn’t she commit to marriage? What was she afraid of? Everything that had happened between them since they got back together had been leading to that moment, and she had seen it coming. Why couldn’t she just say yes?

_We can’t go on like this. I need to work out what is happening to me._

‘I think I need ‘professional mode’,’ she said to herself, and walked into Tom’s kitchen to make tea. Sipping from the mug, she sat back down and tried to work through the puzzle scientifically. But she was a microbiologist, not a psychologist and this time the terror was so strong she found it hard to see beyond it. Eventually she surrendered and crept back into bed. Tom pretended to stir slightly in order to put his arm around her waist. She snuggled against him and finally dropped off just before dawn.

She woke to the sound of the shower; Tom wasn’t singing as he normally did. She felt a pang of guilt: that was her fault. Shortly afterwards he emerged from the bathroom, drying his hair with a towel. He smiled at her, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

‘Oh good, you’re awake. Ready for breakfast?’

His cheery note was fake. He wasn’t sure how he should behave around her. He was desperate for guidance: from her, from anyone. Ellie went into the bathroom and Tom dressed in silence, resolving to call his mother later for advice. She knew Ellie and seemed to understand her.

Ellie cried in the shower, hating herself for what she was doing to Tom. There had to be a way out of this mess.

_I think I need to talk to Tilly._

Later that morning Ellie was at her best friend’s flat, a short tube ride away. She had left Tom on the sofa, supposedly going over offers of work, but in fact simply waiting for her to leave so he could telephone his mother.

‘God El, what’s happened?’ Tilly was horrified at how her closest friend looked.

‘Tom asked me to marry him, and…’ she managed to get that much out before she collapsed in tears. Eventually, with the help of coffee, tissues and gentle persuasion, Tilly got the whole story out of her. She considered the matter briefly and then gently lifted Ellie’s face up so she could look directly into it.

‘Well it’s obvious, isn’t it?’

‘Not to me. What is wrong with me? I adore him; I want to be with him. Why couldn’t I just say yes?’

‘Because you’re scared,’ She paused. ‘And I think I know _what_ you’re scared of.’

Ellie grabbed Tilly by the upper-arms.

‘Then please _tell_ _me_!’

 

‘I don’t know what to do, Mum. She’s in so much pain, I don’t understand why. I’m afraid she still doesn’t trust me, even after the past few weeks.’

‘Oh darling, that’s not it, I’m sure.’

‘Well what _is_ it then? Mum, if I lose her, I don’t know what…’

‘It won’t come to that, I’m sure. I think she’s just really scared.’

‘What of, for goodness’ sake?’

‘Well, it’s obvious, isn’t it?’

 

‘I was afraid that this might happen. I guessed Tom was going to propose. He told me at the party that you were the one he’d been looking for...’

Ellie gasped. He’d confided in Tilly, of all people.

‘Think about your life so far, El. What has happened to you? Every time you have really loved somebody, what’s happened?’

Ellie closed her eyes and thought for a few minutes. Since she had been with Tom, she had avoided too much self-examination because when she did think deeply about their relationship, it tended to make her feel insecure. Unworthy, like the hate mail said. Whenever she pictured herself, the image that always came to mind was a lonely little boat, bobbing on an empty sea. People always left her in the end, apart from Tilly, and even she had been distanced for a while. Ellie didn’t expect love to last, not for the other person anyway. She didn’t deserve it, or at least not enough for anyone to stick around. When she thought Tom had betrayed her, it made sense to her; she wasn’t the kind of person you were loyal to. When she ran that night, it was an act of self-preservation. But she was already too much in love, and the pain would last until he returned to her life to claim her heart again.

‘But the thing is, Ellie, you have taken the chance to let Tom love you and oh boy, does he! He loves you with all his heart, at least as much as you love him. Surely you can see that? And he’s not going to leave you like your Mum and Dad did. It was you who left him before, remember?  He never had a chance to love you then. That was partly my fault, and I am so sorry.’

Tilly coughed to clear the lump from her throat which was threatening her ability to finish what needed to be said.

‘Ellie my darling girl, this is the happiness you’ve been waiting for, that you deserve so much. You know that, deep down, and you must know that Tom is the man. Don’t turn him away.’

 

‘Oh Thomas, sometimes you can be so dim! You know about her life. So far she has lost everyone she ever loved. When that happens, especially when you are young, it scars you deeply. She is afraid that if she really lets you in then she will lose you too. I expect she’s afraid of the pain, and that perhaps she couldn’t take any more and let’s face it, she has had far too much already.’

Tom had been standing by the window as he spoke to Diana, but now he sat down on the sofa as he took in what his mother was saying.

‘You need to get through to her, Thomas. Make her see that she _can_ be loved and that you won’t leave her.

_It’s not that she doesn’t trust me, it’s that she doesn’t trust the universe…_

‘Sorry Mum, I mean, thanks, I see it now and I’ve got to go and find her.’

He hung up the phone and was reaching for his keys when he heard a soft knock on the front door. Ellie stood there, tears streaming down her face. She threw herself into his arms and he squeezed her as tightly as he dared. She kissed him, putting her hands on his cheeks.

‘I’ve been a total idiot. Can you forgive me?’

‘I was about to say the same thing.’ He looked into her eyes, their foreheads touching.

‘Look Ellie, I think I understand. I’ve been talking to Mum and she thinks you are afraid of losing me, but that’s not going to happen. I’m not going anywhere. We had a chance in Cambridge and between us we blew it. Let’s not do that again.’

He held her firmly by the arms, their faces centimetres apart, his eyes still fixed on hers.

‘Listen. I want us to be together for the rest of our lives. That’s why I asked you to marry me, so you’d see that I’m in this for the long haul. For ever.’

Ellie felt herself about to cry again. She had been doing that way too much this morning; she’d dehydrate if she wasn’t careful.

‘Well, Tilly has helped me to understand too…  It’s a good job we have such wise women in our lives.’ She kissed him again. ‘I am still a bit afraid, but I know one thing. You have made me happier than I could ever have dreamed of being. I love you so much Tom, I’m so sorry I have been hurting you.’

He shook his head. ‘I know you didn’t want to.’

‘Ask me again.’ She looked into his eyes.  ‘Please.’

Tom nodded. His stomach flipped as he ran to the bedroom to fetch the ring. He led her into the sitting-room, made her sit on the sofa and got down on one knee, just as he had on New Year’s morning. He cleared his throat. She leaned forward and kissed him passionately, once more, for luck. Smiling, he straightened his back and took her hands in his.

‘I chose these words because they best sum up how I feel, so I’ll say them again. ‘I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest.’ Please, Ellie, my beautiful, lovely, precious Ellie, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?’

This time she said yes.


End file.
